Hello Reader,
By now most of you are assuming that I
died, or became a heavy drug user or was abducted by aliens.
But alas I did not die. Merely became too
busy to attempt logging on.
You see reader, I now have kids. Not just
one but FOUR!
That’s right, my husband and I now have a
child for every year we've been married.
Four years of babies tends to put a damper
on trying to use your creative outlet.
My creativity nowadays usually involves
trying to figure out how to sneak into the bathroom long enough to use it before
they find me, and let me tell you...they find me. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
And now my dear reader, I'm going to let
you in on a secret most mothers will not tell you for one of two reasons. One
they don't cuss, or two, they are trying to lie to your face and be as
politically correct as possible.
Neither of which I can say I do so
here it goes.
Kids are ASSHOLES!
There I said it.
Kids make adult assholes look like
freaking Mother Teresa.
AND they take everything from you!
Very small list of things they take:
Your sleep
Your Emotional capacity to do anything
without laughing or crying (sometimes both).
The time you used to have to read and not
just books but even food labels or directions. I have basically just learned to
make sure somewhere on the label say "non-toxic" and go with it.
ANY type of time really is used to care
for their every demand and believe me when I tell you that the list of their
demands is longer than the numbers in the mathematical PI.
Children are very narcissistic beings.
Their sole purpose in life right now is "how can I get what I want?"
I shall now explain to you the depth of my
assholes, whom I shall label them 1-4
Asshole #1 is currently three years old
going on thirty.
He demands more than the rest only
in the sense he has learned to use his mouth. Everything has become a question
now. (Answer questions to a three year old with as little information as
possible for each one so that when he continues to ask why, you have a small
answer each time.)
Every request you give is met with
defiance.
"I don't have to"
"Shh. Just listen to me"
He is currently addicted to the film
Paddington and frequently starts conversations about how marmalade is made.
I have NO CLUE how marmalade is made.
He is the pickiest of my eaters however luckily;
he also makes the healthiest choices.
ALL in ALL he's the neediest.
Asshole #2 is TWO and every single bit of the terribles.
He enjoys anything from the
television...this is a problem.
He is also the reason I may die of a heart
attack. He has NO FEAR. None. Not a smidge.
He jumps off of everything, puts
disgusting things in every hole on his face. Mouth, Nose, Ears. He's not
prejudice of any of them as long as it’s there he's gonna find a use for it.
He's mouthy. He screams in octaves no
child or human or dog or bird or really ANY creature should be able to hit.
AND speaking of hitting, boy does he ever.
That child can throw a punch like nobody’s business.
He refuses to be social with people and he
hides in the smallest places in the house. Places you would not think he could
be. But does he answer when he's hiding? NO! He will have you running all over
the house screaming for him and just when you start crying and fixing to call
the cops, he POPS out of whatever magical hole he was in to say
"gotcha".
Probably his biggest issue was that he was
not ready to stop being the baby.
This brings us to the two-fer.
Assholes #3 and #4
The twins.
Granted these seven month old babies are
just that, so have they really "earned" the term asshole yet?
To that I say yes.
YES.
Asshole #3 or as I like to call her
"the girl" is just that. A freaking girl. Look I get it. Girls are supposed
to be sweet and cute and wear pink all the time...SHUT UP! This girl of mine
may be female in gender but she ain't NO LADY. This girl has the worst smelling
gas in the world. She yells at people like they stole her man and she beats the
tar out of her minute younger little brother. She is the essence of torture to
that little dude to the point that he gets upset if she gets within a five foot
perimeter.
Asshole #4 is the baby by one minute. He's
probably the least asshole like of the four. Doesn’t complain too much as long
as he is eating. The boy has one tooth and is already eating me out of house
and home. If he sees it, he wants it. Every three hours on the dot this child
has to eat and not small portions but full on meals.
BUT...That is where the bad stops.
Each of my children are assholes in their
own way but no matter how much terrible they throw at me, there is always at
least one thing a day that proves the whole crazy ride worth the ticket.
#1 Tobias.
He has the kindest heart in the entire
world. Sure he has selfish moments but he almost always says please and thank
you and will straight up tell you if you say a "bad word".
He asks you if you are ok. He hugs you
when you don't even realize that's what you needed.
He takes your emotions and feeling to
heart. When you're sad so is he and he rejoices in your happiness.
He is full of the most gorgeous laughter
you've ever heard.
He is chivalrous without knowing it. Wants
to open the door for you or help you with the chores.
He is the best big brother in the world.
He is Toby and he's his own unique brand
of toddler.
#2 Gideon.
Gideon is the best cuddler in the
world.
Most talented singing toddler I've ever
met. He can sing pretty much any nursery rhyme to the tune. PERFECT!
He keeps me from having to go to the gym.
Always moving.
He is smarter than you could possibly give
him credit for. He knows his abc's and can count to ten.
He eats well without having to convince
him that it's good.
He loves games and masters them quickly.
He has the biggest brown eyes that just
suck you in and make you love him.
He is Gideon and he is my little man.
#3 Lucy
She has the bluest eyes and the darkest
brown hair. The most Gorgeous baby girl in the world.
When she smiles, she is all gums but she
smiles without a care in the world of how goofy it looks.
She loves to wrestles and gives what we
call "squatches".
When she fusses, she makes little sounds
like a kitten. So cute!
She is a sympathetic crier. You'll never
cry alone as long as she's around.
She is a watcher. Always taking in
everything. Wanting to know more about everything she sees.
She is Lucy and she's my baby
girl. The only other female in the house. My partner against the dudes.
#4 Toliver
He is the gentlest boy in the world. He
only fusses when he needs something.
He has one tooth and it's the cutest tooth
to see this side of the Rocky Mountains.
He cuddles with me every day without
fail.
He looks like Santa when he smiles and he
gives the most hilarious serious face.
He is Toliver and our lives wouldn't be
complete without him.
They have all made my life so fulfilling and worth more than just what I had to offer.
So yes, Kids are assholes.
But we love them.
